Ive been listening to this song by Josh Groban for close on the last 7mths of my life now. It so succinctly epitomizes the two most important men in my life!! Both of them left my life in February of 2007 and 2009 respectively and yet who play SUCH important roles in my life....still. In the workings of my head and my heart and decisions that I take each and every day!!
I miss them both so acutely and so deeply!!!
The one has gone to the heavens and who I can never hope to "see" again, although on crazy days I can tell myself that I can sit in a quiet place and speak to him and that somehow in this realm, my Dad will be able to send me his advice from afar......but that might be difficult for some people to accept. And granted its not something that I do often....but sometimes the thought is nice that he might be there to pass his wisdom on to me here and now!!!
And then the other....as important and fundamental to who I am as a person here now going forward forever with me in my thoughts memories and dreams! My partner for so long and who I thought I would never be able to live without!! and here we have been living without each other for close on another 7mths. Its a wonder really. Not that long ago I dont think either of us really thought we would ever be able to do it.....successfully and yet we have.
But with no communication or word that he is alright and doing well or happy or...anything.....Im left to wonder and always hope that he is alright, in love, doing well, happy and alive with each new day. As much as I gave up the right to ever ask or know how he is doing, never will I stop wondering and hoping if I will ever be able to speak to him again and find out these things.
Left wondering what his thoughts are, what his plans are, who he shares his life with, who he gets inspired by, whether I will ever be able to just be a shouting voice from the grandstands of his life still urging him on to be everything Great that I know he Is and Will Be!!! Just a meagre place on the outskirts to share a piece of his life with...
I think that I do still have something to offer his life.....if that is too arrogant of me to think.......I really do think so. And know that the reverse is true!
And so I dont promise that "at some point I will come back to you". You and I are so over that. But I do still wish and hope that we may be friends and share some of what we have built together over 9 years and support each other in this life thing. Ill always understand, I suppose, if that isnt possible for us.
But I really do hope that at some point your eyes were opened and you opened yourself up to the life that you want and the life that is open to you..waiting for you to grab hold and ride it til the end and you get to the next thing you want and wish to take on and create!!!!
You are extra-ordinary...you can do Anything!!! I will always love you and miss you deeply!
Carpe Diem
Jeg Elske Deg
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