James Blunt - Same Mistake

Never a truer word spoken of my heart
Oh how I wish he would pick up the phone or reply to an email or a text......
"Im not calling for a second chance"
Or maybe I am............but not in the way that I have been up until now
Would it be too much to ask for a small friendship?
And I just kept making the same mistake
xxx

PS: I love you

Just finished watching this movie with Gerard Butler and Hillary Swank! And its marvellous! It pulls on the heartstrings like any good chick-flick should and remind us all of our girlie dreams when we were young and dreamed of our knight in shining armour and how he would lay down his coat over a puddle so his Lady wouldnt have to get her shoes wet, or carry her to her final destination if she felt tired, send her flowers for no reason but to make her smile or just did any of those dreamy things that Princes did in fairytales.

Oh, the myths of love and happiness and happily-ever-after. Then I hit adolescence and my twenties and all the sparkle of dreams and the desire to love and be loved above all else pales and gets buried behind cynicism and resignation and routine mundane activities.

And yet does the hope ever really truly die or leave us? Any of us? Male or female? Or is it merely an addiction of our individual making and manufacture? Never to be satisfied as the drug to satiate it has never, will never and does not exist outside of our imaginations and subconscious workings! Is it right to ever expect the fulfilment of this from any other human being?

And so Hollywood makes a killing on re-creating this nonsense! Perpetuates the fairytale, the never-ending hope and disappointment! Because no one can live up to another's dreams! Its impossible. And we can spend our lives trying to learn the tools to communicate clearly, be open and honest, create create and re-create.........and where does that leave us? Feeling like we are doomed to failure, never doing it well enough, never saying the right thing, never being clever enough, never being funny enough, never being driven enough, never being fit enough, never being good enough in the bedroom or adventurous enough, never being the one to fulfil the others every desire and dream..............never being the right person.

Or maybe thats just me! 

And maybe thats what we all say!!

I would like to continue to try and believe in the dreams, the fairytales. 

I merely find myself at a crossroads where once I knew who my knight was and through silly contortions of my own making since the beginning of our tale, he is off protecting another from puddles and tired feet. Laying out his unique most lovely brand of time and thought, most precious to any heart....

That right now, newly breaks my heart.

Not in that he is feeling love and happiness with another because that is all that I truly wish for him, but that I cannot be a part of his life, in any small way, to contribute or celebrate...

But maybe one day.........like in the stories.............maybe one day!

But go and watch the movie! It truly is a special tale of its own

xxxx

Gandalf Cleans up Cape Town

Josh Groban February Song [Live]

To the 2 most important men in my life...

Ive been listening to this song by Josh Groban for close on the last 7mths of my life now. It so succinctly epitomizes the two most important men in my life!! Both of them left my life in February of 2007 and 2009 respectively and yet who play SUCH important roles in my life....still. In the workings of my head and my heart and decisions that I take each and every day!!
I miss them both so acutely and so deeply!!!

The one has gone to the heavens and who I can never hope to "see" again, although on crazy days I can tell myself that I can sit in a quiet place and speak to him and that somehow in this realm, my Dad will be able to send me his advice from afar......but that might be difficult for some people to accept. And granted its not something that I do often....but sometimes the thought is nice that he might be there to pass his wisdom on to me here and now!!!

And then the other....as important and fundamental to who I am as a person here now going forward forever with me in my thoughts memories and dreams! My partner for so long and who I thought I would never be able to live without!! and here we have been living without each other for close on another 7mths. Its a wonder really. Not that long ago I dont think either of us really thought we would ever be able to do it.....successfully and yet we have.
But with no communication or word that he is alright and doing well or happy or...anything.....Im left to wonder and always hope that he is alright, in love, doing well, happy and alive with each new day. As much as I gave up the right to ever ask or know how he is doing, never will I stop wondering and hoping if I will ever be able to speak to him again and find out these things.
Left wondering what his thoughts are, what his plans are, who he shares his life with, who he gets inspired by, whether I will ever be able to just be a shouting voice from the grandstands of his life still urging him on to be everything Great that I know he Is and Will Be!!! Just a meagre place on the outskirts to share a piece of his life with...
I think that I do still have something to offer his life.....if that is too arrogant of me to think.......I really do think so. And know that the reverse is true!

And so I dont promise that "at some point I will come back to you". You and I are so over that. But I do still wish and hope that we may be friends and share some of what we have built together over 9 years and support each other in this life thing. Ill always understand, I suppose, if that isnt possible for us.

But I really do hope that at some point your eyes were opened and you opened yourself up to the life that you want and the life that is open to you..waiting for you to grab hold and ride it til the end and you get to the next thing you want and wish to take on and create!!!!

You are extra-ordinary...you can do Anything!!! I will always love you and miss you deeply!

Carpe Diem
Jeg Elske Deg