Who?

Who am i?
I mean who am i really?
Sitting having a conversation with my best friend this afternoon, had me think about this.....
She asked me: "Who are you really? When are you going to be honest with yourself about who you are for yourself and the world around you? Not who you think you must be - but WHO YOU REALLY ARE!!!"
This really started me thinking....
Cos my internal dialogue in my head goes like: "if im not happy and the life of the party around ppl then no one will want to be around me and then i will be left all on my own.
And then especially now,no one wants to hear about my pain or the ramifications and depths of my loss and the expanse of my confusion and directionless-ness of my situation and mind right now.I have no idea where i am or where Im going or supposed to go and obviously no idea how to get anywhere.And as i sit here,my surroundings are slowly decaying and stagnating and making me sick to my stomach.And yet i stay here......
But back to my conversation (in my head that is...)
No one would wish to "waste" their time (this is again only my opinion) listening to me babble about this or be willing to carry the weight of my heart right now!
So i hide it and carry on being the happy clappy fluffy loving playful imaginative fun person that everyone knows me to be....
But is that really me?
Or is the hurt and pain and overwhelming morbidity self, the true expression of myself?
Am i so terrified that the depression is who i am and that if i let it take me over, i will be lost and alone forever??????

And yet.....
And yet.....

That isnt who i am!!!
I have slowly over the last few months started to really have a look at who i am, and started to be comfortable with accepting her....
What she stands for, what she is interested in, what she dreams of (although this one is still VERY hazy!)
But i do, through conversations with people around me, start to see that all i am in this life is Love!!!
I am, want, need, desire and DEMAND Love and Trust!!! All i see in the world are different hues of these most magical colour schemes!!!
Some call me naieve, others possibly stoopid and childish
But does it work for me?
YES
Do i want to continue to nurture this?
ABSA-BLOODLY-LOOTLY YES

So then i ask myself: "Where have i been these last few weeks? So lost and so sore and helpless and alone? So dark and scary and stuck and unwilling to move?"

Just alone on my own - honouring the conversations about myself as that dark person that no one loves, or will ever love. Sitting in a corner with my razor blade, cutting myself and complaining that someone is hurting me!!
(absurd right????? - and NO I DONT CUT MYSELF ANYMORE!!!!!! I have learned that much at least ;-)
But i see now that i MADE MYSELF ALONE!
And that if i chose it differently - i would not be!!!
If i can keep reminding myself of this - and keep allowing my beloved friends around me to remind me when i have not the strength to do it myself......
Then i will be alright again!

I dont look forward to my process to come...,
One day i will put the story of what happened here - and it will be long and i will share what i have not before
But i now know the light is there for me now..........at the end
And i now know that there actually will never be an end to my process..........and the knowing and Being with that!!! Is in itself completion!!!
Naddie, Emma, Sven, Mom, Dad, LESA and everyone i know and love dear!
THANK YOU IN ADVANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you for who you have been and who you will be and promise to be for me in the future.....
I couldnt do this without any of you
*Huggs

How?

how do you ever forget that ONE person in your life?
the one that was everything is everything and will always be the one i think of in the early hours of the morning when everything is dark and nothing stirs - only my broken heart-beat to keep me company?
when the memories and dreams of days gone by when life was more exciting thrilling gut turning inspiring and neverending - when life and love went on forever and nothing could ever possibly or perceivably dimished smother disillusion or destroy that which made life rich beautiful multi-coloured-multi-faceted-multi-dimensional-magical.........
when those are the only things to keep me company
when those are the only things that i can remember and think about
when those are the only things that i have left with no possible way of reconnecting with the partner standing next to me in my dreams and my screams and my laughter and my pain............
when i cannot connect with him...........they how do i
how do i forget?
how do i accept?
how do i deal with process work through complete on that which was my LIFE!!!
my heart
my soul
my love
my lover
my forever
how?

Call Me When You're Sober - Evanescence

Just the most sexy appealing powerful song ive heard in a while
she is f*cking fantastic in concert as well - got to see her @ the Coke Fest 2007. I love her to pieces and she is just so comfortable in herself and beautiful!! enjoy I know i did ;)
PS: one day i hope to have gorgeous clothes like Amy Lee does Anyone keen to sponsor me some? LOL

Why is that all the things i want to put here on my blog for posterity blah blah blah always occurs for me when im driving or falling asleep or musing out the window at work when im sposed to be working? (nah it never happens at work otherwise id put it in here straight away right??? DUH!)
so all my magnificent thoughts are lost in the cosmos....
strange i spose
but then again if my thoughts are the butterfly that once let go comes back................then they were meant to be here
for me to read in the future
but for now they are all safely kept in my head and my heart
and some of them excite and inspire
and others tear me limb from limb
but its all good - i got some masking tape somewhere around here! ;-)
my phase now is to BE with the emotion and the thoughts and accept them
not to make them wrong or bad or change them into good happy thoughts becoz that process is exhausting me to no end
my ends are frayed, my body spent but maintaining momentum anyways......
but i see the ends nearing
and the fear has stopped me up until now
but now i CHOOSE it - stand fearless in the face of my uncertainty
may the Universe stand with me Hold me strong May my friends and my soul keep me upright
becoz i feel myself slipping quickly

oh the ramblings of a sad soul
next time will be better!!!!
love ya babe
xxxxx

Re-united.....

How strange and stoopid and wonderful!!!!
I was given/shown this space to express my feelings, attach all the pritty things i like from the Net etc from my boyfriend of the time......now what seems such a distant memory but so vivid................
*trails off into babbledom

anyways - i was always saying to Sully how "i cant remember how to get onto it again" etc etc blah blah blah and crap like that
and then today i log onto my Gmail and muse to myself "I wonder if Gmail has a blogging facility - so i click the link and there woe begon is my magical Muddle!!! My creation long lost and missed!!!!!

So im back ("from outta space.. dum dum di dah!!! hearing the 60's toon in the background!) With a few more bits and pieces of knowledge to post things onto this space of mine
Now to get into the habit of writing my thoughts and feelings into the abyss that is the Cyber world.......
I wonder how it will go
I wonder what rubbish i will put on here
I wonder if anyone will read it or if it will inspire as many ppl as the i perceive the Ideamachine to do....
I know that the author and the space inspires me.....
*sigh

Well till next time Muddle...
Sleep well - take care
Ill dream of you....
*mwah

Monsta's Birthday!!!!! 06-Mar-2007

So today is the birthday of the Monsta muddle webpage.
its a gift from my boyfriend and he is just so excited that i now have a blog page its the cutest thing
and i must say that i am kinda excited also
so i am clicking away on his laptop
(Apple mac of course because there is only one language in his vocab and many like him and that is the lingo of l33t and Noob and MACINTOSH!!!!!!
can you tell i love him dearly????
so i wanted my first posting to be way cool!!!!!
so i wanted to connect this an awesome drawing that a friend of mine put together!!
we have a girl group called The Rita's
and we rock Cape Town
still getting going on the chaos making machine that is natso ling ling ansawa and the monsta
but we are getting there

so here goes baby -
lets see if this works
check this link out guys - this will take you to
deviant.art