Who?

Who am i?
I mean who am i really?
Sitting having a conversation with my best friend this afternoon, had me think about this.....
She asked me: "Who are you really? When are you going to be honest with yourself about who you are for yourself and the world around you? Not who you think you must be - but WHO YOU REALLY ARE!!!"
This really started me thinking....
Cos my internal dialogue in my head goes like: "if im not happy and the life of the party around ppl then no one will want to be around me and then i will be left all on my own.
And then especially now,no one wants to hear about my pain or the ramifications and depths of my loss and the expanse of my confusion and directionless-ness of my situation and mind right now.I have no idea where i am or where Im going or supposed to go and obviously no idea how to get anywhere.And as i sit here,my surroundings are slowly decaying and stagnating and making me sick to my stomach.And yet i stay here......
But back to my conversation (in my head that is...)
No one would wish to "waste" their time (this is again only my opinion) listening to me babble about this or be willing to carry the weight of my heart right now!
So i hide it and carry on being the happy clappy fluffy loving playful imaginative fun person that everyone knows me to be....
But is that really me?
Or is the hurt and pain and overwhelming morbidity self, the true expression of myself?
Am i so terrified that the depression is who i am and that if i let it take me over, i will be lost and alone forever??????

And yet.....
And yet.....

That isnt who i am!!!
I have slowly over the last few months started to really have a look at who i am, and started to be comfortable with accepting her....
What she stands for, what she is interested in, what she dreams of (although this one is still VERY hazy!)
But i do, through conversations with people around me, start to see that all i am in this life is Love!!!
I am, want, need, desire and DEMAND Love and Trust!!! All i see in the world are different hues of these most magical colour schemes!!!
Some call me naieve, others possibly stoopid and childish
But does it work for me?
YES
Do i want to continue to nurture this?
ABSA-BLOODLY-LOOTLY YES

So then i ask myself: "Where have i been these last few weeks? So lost and so sore and helpless and alone? So dark and scary and stuck and unwilling to move?"

Just alone on my own - honouring the conversations about myself as that dark person that no one loves, or will ever love. Sitting in a corner with my razor blade, cutting myself and complaining that someone is hurting me!!
(absurd right????? - and NO I DONT CUT MYSELF ANYMORE!!!!!! I have learned that much at least ;-)
But i see now that i MADE MYSELF ALONE!
And that if i chose it differently - i would not be!!!
If i can keep reminding myself of this - and keep allowing my beloved friends around me to remind me when i have not the strength to do it myself......
Then i will be alright again!

I dont look forward to my process to come...,
One day i will put the story of what happened here - and it will be long and i will share what i have not before
But i now know the light is there for me now..........at the end
And i now know that there actually will never be an end to my process..........and the knowing and Being with that!!! Is in itself completion!!!
Naddie, Emma, Sven, Mom, Dad, LESA and everyone i know and love dear!
THANK YOU IN ADVANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you for who you have been and who you will be and promise to be for me in the future.....
I couldnt do this without any of you
*Huggs