Are you there God, its me Charlie?

Howdi hoe everyone!Long time no type.
I was horrified to see that my last post was in August 2007!SOOOooo much has happened since then (to me & the world it seems!~!)
But here I find myself again.Drawn to a blank screen @ some ridiculous hour, wishing for answers, searching for.....?
But August 2007? Whats up with that man? South African next elections coming up in just over a week, GLOBAL recession has come around to visit us once again. Its nice - hasnt visited in years!!! So about time, dont you think? :p
But I digress...
So just like Margaret (a character in Judy Blumes novel "Are you there God, its me Margaret? I find myself @ a stage in my life when I am asking the same questions (Who am I? Where am I Going? What do I want from life? Who do I want to Be? What do I want to accomplish? What do I want to contribute? AND the best one: HOW DO I GET THERE????
The last few weeks have been interesting, educational, terrifying, uncertain and exciting. I quit my job of the last 5 years, ended my relationship of 9 years and decided to begin from scratch - from nothing!
In the beginning it was exciting! The Universe brought me everything that I needed. Diverse opportunities to make money - exposed me to options I hadnt considered before (PS: the movie industry is NOT for me!) and introduced me to many interesting people & situations!
Now I have lost myself in all of those things.....enjoyed every moment, squeezed every drop of every kind of goodness from all of them and find myself at the end of 2weeks of parties & friends & alcohol & cigarettes & good times & fond memories &...........................distraction!!!!
Oh wait, I remember this pattern! I distract myself from the job @ hand, from the lesson to be learnt. Dont get me wrong its all wonderful in the moment & I will never trade any of these experiences for anything but I have come to know myself & recognise that this behaviour if not caught & corrected now - will lead me down a road that I do not wish to go down. It wastes so much time & leaves me in places in my head & heart from which I feed my addiction for guilt & self-loathing for far too many months thereafter!!!
I must say that I am quite proud of myself that I managed to recognise this behaviour after only 2weeks and not 8months (as in last times case!)
So Monsta, that is where I find myself. Back @ the drawing board. Its exciting again but this time a little harder as some of my leads are now cold & I have to nuke em up again before anything can be done!!! So I must "generate" them? Like create my own opportunities? Like do WORK on them? Hell no! That sucks!! :D
And yet I will. And they will turn out fabulously! And I will have a ball! But just like trying to get out of bed on the Monday morning after a long Easter weekend, where nothing works properly and everything is an effort & you put salt instead of sugar in your coffee & every robot is red!!...... this is proving to be an effort rather than an inspiring experience! :)
Oh how the Sandman would laugh @ me now! Rubbing his hands together going: "come on now if this is what you SAY you want, this is the time to stand up and TAKE IT!" He knows me so well.......and well, used to love me. Not sure if he still does or not. I can only hope so! But not hope like a definate "of course" thing. But rather the hope of a dying person, not knowing if the next breath will come.
I miss you!